You know whats the damn fucked up thing? is that i cant tell it here and i cant tell it anywhere.

its very clear to see things haven been the same nor have they been going well. it just you are all too damn caught up in yourselves to give a shit about others.

so i'm saying now. i'm gonna fuck, forget and leave it.


'nuff said

i just feel...off.


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today i listened to mars volta on repeat. repeat and repeat and repeat.

if you've listened to their latest album, it evokes and stirs up alot of emotional feelings deep down.

so i was telling someone how i was thinking abt everything today. yes everything is just a simpler word to use so i can spare the tardiness. i think certain things are straying. i think certain thing are drifting farther apart from each other. i think 4 is fine, 5 is the mess. dont you think so?

and thru all this thinking of the past present and future, i thot alot about what could have been and what could have not. some things no matter how demeaning i felt i should've went ahead with. somethings i felt alright and full of logic, i now feel i shouldn have carried it thru. its so ironic how things contradict each other. when you think you're doing something right it just goes back to haunt you somehow and people just take it in different perspectives, which as a result, affects alot of things. friendships included.

that aside, i think i found the answer to an age old question on my head for awhile. some time back someone asked me why i want a relationship. i mean he did make a point that relationships not really necessary since i know that i have friends i can turn to when i'm troubled and can basically make up for what i want in a relationship.

i suppose that is true. to a certain extent. i want a hug? a good friend can give me one when i need it. i need a ear? yes i know who i can turn to. i need a shoulder? of course there will be someone to provide that.

but thinking abt all the shit thats been happening, i realise my previous argument doesn really stand. i told him earlier it was because i needed a constant in my life and someone to be there for always. someone i know i can turn to for sure. he doesn need to tell me it'll be alright (cos that wouldn be true mostly) but as long as i know he'll be there for me. makes sense?

but thats not all. i realise what i really really really want is.....

*drumroll*

i really want someone to NEED me. to WANT me. to love me and to hold me is only secondary. i realise the importance of that in my life. i need someone to need me. to take me as a priority and not a fleeting person of importance. not someone to call last minute. not someone as a fall back. not someone as a second guess.

maybe its my wishful thinking or that i'm thinking too much. but really. i just feel that way and i know at this moment, its what i really want and need. for someone to need me. i need to feel needed. ahh bullshit.


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why doesn my dad understand that by asking if i wanted a lift down and telling him i dont need it cos its troublesome for him, means that i dont want to inconvenience him? i mean he is down down to the office at tanjong pagar/ keppel road area and my workplace is in bukit timah. out of the way right? so i dunno why he makes it sound as if i'm not grateful.

its not like i'm some dumbass fucktard that asks him to pick her from everywhere all the time. no thats just inconsiderate and i'm not like that duh.


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If you found out you only had 2 more months to live..

what would you do?
what would you tell to the people arnd you?
what would you say to the person you love?

would you tell a close friend how long you've been liking him for?
would you tell your family not to worry?
would you do sth you always thought of but never dared? even if it was a rather bad thing?

how would you amend errors you've made?
how would you find closure with everyone you know in life?
how would you approach that old flame and tell him how much you ever loved him?

where would you go?
where else new will you explore?
where would you go visit overseas?

when would you find the opportune moment to tell that someone that something?
when will you finally do the things you thought you'd never accomplish or fulfil?
when will you finally come to terms with your departure?

so many questions but we wont really know how to answer them until we actually get to that stage one day huh? i think, i need to find that time in my life where i made it a point to cherish everyone i love and care for. selflessly and regardlessly. like how i always did.


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i'm so glad you're outta my life. i'm so glad i'm able to get over this. i'm so glad you'll get what you deserve. but i gotta thank you for one memory.


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i was so fucking wrong about you i dont even know where to start. really you're the man. you just own everybody and you turn worlds inside out, and relationships upside down. you're seriously damn fucked up and you just have so many fucking issues abt yourself YOU dont even know where to start. really. you win big time. and cos of you i immediately bested everyone else and rose to the top as a clear winner with ZERO contenders. straight up. *chew* thanks for making me top. but also thanks for the highest rush of emotions i've ever felt in a moment. i blame myself on being taken in by your asshole charms and that i'm a bad judge of character. myself. i am. wunderbar. *cue applause*, *insert surround sound speaker variability*


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i'm on the way there and i'm happy. thanks for all the advice guys. i really appreciate it.


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Bu dong la. hen lei. wo bu xi huan yi zhi xiang zhe ni. zhen me ban?


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yeap.

that's all i needed to hear. but is that all i ever want to hear?

F5 for Refresh. Where the hell is that button on me. Definitely not anywhere near in my brain. My heart in on a constant Standby and i can't find my Recycle Bin nor am i able to find the End key. Alt + Ctrl + Del doesn seem to work in anyway and so does Alt + F4 meaning i cant close the Thoughts folder.

I can't Ctrl + Tab to another window because i have nothing else open for my eyes to see. And when i press Windows, options to 'Do Other Things' doesn shoot up. Perhaps the only other thing i can access is My Music and hence, Windows Media Player. I'm quite lucky Internet Explorer can be opened tho and that means my internet connection is good enough for Windows Live Messenger where my mouth can do the talking..for free.

Please i gotta fix myself before i permanently hang. But then again, a Reboot might do me good.
Gee this has been a pretty nonsense and redundant post.


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